i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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