my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
