I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
