Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
