I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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