just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
