Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
