just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
