I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize