party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
