He kissed a someone with a penis
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
