Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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