Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
