she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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