we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
