That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
