woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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