I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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