I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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