Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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