I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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