Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
