If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
