Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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