And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you still have your period?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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