what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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