a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
