after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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