No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
