Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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