I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
