I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
