So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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