Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
