If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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