im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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