You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
