you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I did not marry a roomba.
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