I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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