Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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