do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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