God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
