You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
