I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
