how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
