I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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