Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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