I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
