Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
