Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
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i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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