I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
