He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dating After Heartbreak
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom