Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.