Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to