You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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