"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
