If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
