the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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