We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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